Wracked with guilt or succumb to emotional blackmail? How to break the cycle.

GUILT - there’s a lot of it about, in fact if you could package all the emotional energy that goes into guilt and turn it into electricity, you could light up London for weeks.

Guilt comes in three flavours. There’s the guilt we put ourselves through, the guilt other people “put us through” and there is the guilt we try to lay on others.  

Let’s talk about our guilt first. Don’t we just love it, beating ourselves up day after day with something we can’t change? But we don’t love it, do we? So, what’s the point of all the navel-gazing when we cannot do anything about the past?
 
Because our guilt is almost always about something that happened in the past; not too many people feel guilty about something they haven’t said or done yet. They may predict that they will feel guilty for something they intend to say or do, but what a dreadful way to live consciously.
 
Most people admit to having said or done something in the past life. It could be something recent, or maybe 2, 5, 10 or 15 years ago and they still wince with regret -   almost an emotional pain about something they wish they hadn’t said or done. 
 
Why do we do this? Why do we make ourselves feel bad day after day after day when there is absolutely nothing we can do about it? It’s almost like poking a wiggly tooth or picking a scab, we get some perverse pleasure in the pain we feel.  
 
Yes, if it’s appropriate and within a decent timeframe, if what we did had an effect on somebody, or a group of people, of course we can apologise for the hurt they felt. It's important we reflect on our actions however, to keep feeling bad about the situation does us and no one any good. What is much more valuable and productive, is to feel genuine remorse, learn from it and move on. I believe we can never grow into the full potential we have as human beings while we are stuck with something for which we will not forgive ourselves. 

You’ll make me so happy

So, on to the second form of guilt we choose to chastise ourselves with… the guilt other people “put us through”. 

Now, can anyone make you feel guilty? No! They really can’t because you choose your thoughts about a person and situation which results in a feeling or emotion. You choose to feel bad, but they cannot make you feel this.

A common scenario is that you go for tea to Auntie Mabel’s and even though you’re stuffed full, Auntie Mabel wheels out a cake, and you politely decline but she utters those immortal words – ‘but I made it especially for you!’ You again politely decline, so Auntie Mabel puts on the hurt, disappointed face. Do you ‘give in’ and have a slice there and then? Or maybe you can say that it looks lovely, and you’ll take a piece home in a doggy bag. If she keeps putting the pressure on, whose problem should it be, hers or yours? Either way, you take the easy way out because your response sits most emotionally comfortable with you – it will align with your values. Here’s the thing, people will always behave in a way that is consistent with their emotional needs. Whenever you have a choice between two or more options, you’ll always do what suits you, you always take the course of least resistance, you always take the easy way out, you always act in your self-interest, and you always get your own way; because you will always behave in a way that is consistent with your emotional needs.

This takes the blame away from everyone and anything else – your response is always down to you and your values. This includes guilt – no one can make you feel guilty. No one. They might know which buttons to press, but your response is how you choose to interpret it and the meaning you choose to give it. Powerful stuff.
 
The Justification Dance comes into this form of guilt – the one where people try to get you to question your motives. For example: You buy a new car and the neighbours comment: ‘You didn’t have the last one for long. Was the ashtray full?!’ Rather than do the Justification Dance, maybe answer: ‘Yes, too full to empty!’

No-one can make you feel guilty, only you. So, tie a metaphorical pink bow on that guilt and hand it right back. We live by our own individual beliefs and values, and we have nobody to justify anything to but ourselves.
 
How could you?

Finally, the most dishonest form of behaviour modification – emotional blackmail i.e. the guilt we try to lay on others.

Ever found yourself saying: ‘Look what I did for you! We had your mother round for lunch on Sunday, again! I didn’t want her round but it makes you happy so I agreed.’ Or: ‘We didn’t have a family holiday for years so you could go to private school, and this is how you thank us?! By being lazy and not working for your exams. Look what we gave up for you!’ Or maybe: ‘I’m just a taxi service for you. You’re so ungrateful. I take you to football practice every week, come wind, rain or shine and you just don’t appreciate what I do for you.’

Who are we really doing all these things for? For ourselves! Because all these choices sit most emotionally comfortable with our values, for whatever reason. Be it for family harmony; to give a different standard of education; to help improve skills and learn about teamwork.

So be honest with yourself and stop lying to others.

This is tough stuff and pushes the bruises, but it’s meant to get you thinking – to get you to be honest with yourself and realise what your motivations really are. It’s all about doing things which fit with your values, and of course the important thing is to have consciously chosen values, rather than to adopt them from somebody who didn’t think about them either. All our choices stem from our values so if you don’t know what your values are, that’s a recipe for self-induced stress because you don’t know why you choose the things you do and why sometimes, you feel your values are being disregarded and trampled on by others.

Be sure of your values and be intentional and that way, you won’t succumb to the guilt trap. Be honest, feel liberated, feel empowered.

Otherwise, as author and columnist Erma Bombeck said, it’s a case of:

“Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.”

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Do you know what your values are and how they inform the choices and decisions you make? Would you like to feel more anchored in life, rather than rudderless and drifting?

The Mindset Coaching Membership can help you understand the tools and strategies needed. With Masterclass Teachings + Coaching + Accountability, we will help you to create the future you want. Find out more here.

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