Why your values are your compass in life

Trumped and Trussed

Life can be full of people and situations which we perceive as frustrating, irritating, disappointing or upsetting.

Notice I didn’t say people who frustrate us, disappoint us, or who irritate us. The language is important because no can frustrate us. Just as no one can disappoint us, make us angry, upset us, nor irritate us. No one and nothing has any inherent power to make us feel anything, for if they did, they would be able to exert that same power over everybody.

It all comes down to values.

Think Trump: he has hundreds of thousands, nay millions who think he is wonderful and the answer to lead America forward. His supporters believe what he says to be true, they believed he could change America for the better and that he was unfairly ousted from his Presidency. And yet, you will find just as many Americans who did not believe he made their country great again, that he lied and that he was underhand in his tactics.

Look at British politics right now… As I write this, Liz Truss has resigned as Prime Minister after less than two months in office. She was voted in by those who believed she could do a good job. By the same token, there were, and evidently still are, many who believe she wasn’t the right fit. For them.

In our day-to-day life, there will be those we enjoy working with, and there will be those who we don’t relish sharing working space with. In our personal life, perhaps there are members of our family whose choices we question, whose behaviour we don’t agree with- we roll our eyes and wonder why they say what they say, and do what they do. Why?

Neither you nor they are wrong. How you feel about someone’s behaviour and actions will all come down to your values. All our joy, our happiness, all our positive emotions, as well as our negative emotions, like anger, disappointment, irritation are caused by a meeting of, exceeding or falling short of our values.

Which is why it’s so important to have a handle on our values- then you know why you feel stuff.

Ignorance is not bliss

Our values are not decided at birth. To begin with, in our formative years, we perhaps look up to parents, grandparents, carers and teachers and our values are based on what is important to those people. Over time, as we grow older, we may find our values change- what is important to us as individuals evolves and maybe, it is at odds to what we have previously thought was important to us. Giving conscious thought to our values means we might realise we had previously adopted values from others who hadn’t thought about them either.

It's important to know what our values are because every single decision we make is based on them, from the brand of baked beans we buy, to who we choose as a life partner. Our top five values define us, and we will always act in accordance with them.

Ignorance of knowing what your values are means that you leave yourself open to experiencing negative stress on a daily basis without knowing why, which means that you are unaware of the clash of values you are subconsciously experiencing at work and/or in life generally.

Self-induced stress is also caused when you delude yourself about your values. For instance, if you say that one of your values is spending time with your partner or family and yet you frequently work late, you’re kidding yourself. You may rationalise this by saying that you are staying late at work to provide a secure future for your family but be honest with yourself and realise that security for the family may be a long-term worthy goal but that in order to achieve that goal, you will place more value – importance - in being at work than being with those you love. And that’s OK. If you know you are continuously working late because you’re working hard for a bonus, or a promotion which will provide extra money for the trip of a lifetime that you want to take your family on- well then be honest with yourself and with those you love – you want to be at work more than you don’t because of the long-term goal. If you know that everything you do is to gain the biggest emotional pay-off, the most value to yourself at any one time, you will be more honest with why you behave in the way you do and will understand that everything you do is for yourself, which of course many times, others will benefit from.

Figuring it out

If you don’t know what your values are and want to make a conscious effort to figure them out, a starting point is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. When you are truly happy and content, where are you? Who are you with – if anybody? What are you doing?
2. What are the achievements of which you are particularly proud? Why are you proud? Was it the hard work and dedication it took to reach the goal? Was it your ability to influence people? Was it your resilience in face of adversity?
3. When have you felt truly at one with yourself – in a state of ‘flow’ as it’s sometimes called? Why was that? What were you doing?
4. When time flies, what are you doing?
5. What is important to you? What do you get angry about? When do you feel most excited?
6. Who are your closest friends? What is it about them that makes them your best friends?
7. What is your favourite type of book? Why do you like that particular genre?

Now, bearing in mind what you discovered about yourself when you answer these questions, think of around ten to twelve words that most closely encapsulate the values that stand out in your answers e.g. adventure, family, persistence, responsibility, happiness, freedom, ambition and resourcefulness.

You may find there are some values that exclude others and some that combine to make a collective value. For instance, making a difference, support and community should be telling you that one of your values is probably helping others.

Working out where your priorities lie

Now comes the interesting bit – prioritising your values. Write down your ten to twelve most important values in no particular order and then compare the first two. Then ask yourself whether you could satisfy both of them without there being a conflict.

For instance, you may value adventure and want to climb Mount Everest, however, it would take a great deal of money out of the family budget, you would be away from your loved ones for a good deal of time and they would possibly be out of their minds with worry. What would you do? Place a higher value in adventure or the emotional and financial wellbeing of your family?

Work your way through the list until you end up with no more than eight to ten in order of priority. Now it’s time to re-assess your five highest priority values and make sure they are appropriate for the way you see yourself and your life, both now and in the future.

• Do these values enhance your feelings of self-respect?
• Would you be prepared to defend your values, even if those close to you disagreed?
• Would you be comfortable and proud to share your values with people you respect and admire?
• If you have children, would you like to think they lived by the same values as you?

Knowing what is important to you means that decision-making is easier. It also enables you to set goals. For instance, if one of your values is having fun, you can then set goals around achieving that. If another value is curiosity, you can set goals to explore more of life, the universe and everything.

You will attract people to you who share your values. When you have clearly defined values, it’s almost akin to putting a stake in the ground, on top of which is a flag describing your values and the message is: ‘If you share these, I’m here, join me’. Some of the great thinkers, influencers and leaders such as Gandhi, had this ability to make other people aware of what they stood for and attracted like-minded people to their cause.

Knowing your values puts you in a very exclusive club to which only around 2 – 5% of the population belong- those from whom emanates a sense of strength and congruence that is usually respected by others; and you feel more in control of your life which has a beneficial effect on your ability to lead, manage, be a great partner or parent, play better sports, influence, negotiate or sell. This list goes on.

Be aware that the priorities of your values will change as you progress through life but be careful to change them by conscious choice, not by default. And importantly, when you have consciously chosen values, be proud of what you stand for.

What and why it’s important to you

Knowing what your values are means you know what is important to you and therefore why you feel the way you do about people and situations. Some things you will feel passionately about, other things you’ll just let go.

Back to the current state of British politics, there will be some who are avidly watching the News right now, watching events unfold by the minute. There will be others with an eye on it because they like to keep up to date, and there will be those who really don’t care. Perhaps they think the whole thing is a circus and whatever happens, they cannot control it and are at the behest of decisions made by politicians, so what’s the point in stressing about it… Again, it comes down to what is important to you. I am in the process of moving and the recent, albeit by many considered to be a disastrous mini-budget, gave Stamp Duty Relief, which means I will save a couple of grand – yes please and thank you, that will do nicely. So, I’m watching the headlines hoping a snap General Election isn’t called, and I can take my money and run. That’s just things from my perspective- something that is important to me and that I value, personally, right now. There will be others hoping and wishing an Election is quickly called, wondering if another Party is voted in, who might make things better for them.

It all comes down to you – to your own individually held values and the choices you make. And when you find a situation or someone else’s actions irritating, upsetting, annoying or disappointing, you know it’s an inside job. It means the problem as it were, lies with you, as does the solution.

This is one of the fundamental principles we cover on The Winning Edge course- helping you to understand why you think the way you do, to get to grips with what your values are, plus the tools and strategies which will enable you to understand and work more effectively with those around you, and how to strengthen relationships in your personal life.

Maybe you know what your top five values are and are consciously living by them. If you don’t, perhaps you have some homework to be getting on with…

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Do you currently feel you have challenging relationships in your life right now? Are you unable to find a solution in order to move forward?

The Mindset Coaching Membership can help you understand the tools and strategies needed. With Masterclass Teachings + Coaching + Accountability, we will help you to create the future you want. Find out more here.

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