Why your opinion doesn’t mean you’re the only one who is right

Who’s right? Who’s wrong?

A friend was telling me a story recently about her three-year-old daughter, that really had me chuckling. Apparently, during the usual hectic morning routine, as my friend’s two eldest were getting themselves ready for school, she was attempting to dress her strong-willed youngest. This is never an easy task so in preparation, my friend had thought ahead and laid out the little one’s clothes. Bad idea… As her three-year-old entered the bedroom, my friend said: “What about this lovely top today? It’s stripey and has a pretty red sequin bow across it!” Her daughter replied: “It’s a mask.” My friend looked puzzled and replied: “It’s not sweetheart. It’s a bow – see?” Her daughter was having none of it. “It's a MASK. Not a bow and so I don’t want to wear it. It looks scary.” Feeling her anxiety levels rising as her carefully scheduled timings were going to pot, she was about to do the only reasonable thing that a Mother does at this juncture, and that’s to insist that her daughter put the t-shirt on whether she liked it or not. Thankfully though, she took a moment to pause and realised that from where her daughter was standing, the t-shirt was upside down and the bow could in fact look like a mask. So, in the interests of world peace, she chose another top and the morning continued in peace and harmony. Until they got to the teeth brushing stage, but that’s a whole other tale…

As my friend relayed this story to me, it brought to mind the Winning Edge concept of the Beach Ball- that there is always another way of looking at the same situation; by getting ‘around the other side of the beachball’ we are able to look at things from the perspective of others and so communicate more effectively and improve the outcome that everyone achieves. As Stephen Covey quotes: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

It’s something worth thinking about the next time you have a disagreement with someone - just because it’s your opinion, it doesn’t make you the one in the right. You don’t necessarily have to agree with the other person, but you can respect you have a different opinion and try to understand their perspective based on their values, beliefs, life experiences and circumstances. As philosopher Elbert Hubbard said: "The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: Be satisfied with your own opinions and content with your knowledge." 

Same place, different map

We will all respond to situations in a different way according to our own Mental Map and we might not be able to figure out where the other person is coming from. Likewise, in their head, they might not be able to fathom out your point of view.

Think of neighbourly disputes. One person is doing something that the other person finds annoying or frustrating. But the other party cannot see what the problem is. Hence the dispute.

My previous neighbours had big issues with us. They grumbled when anyone would drop one of our girls home after a playdate, engine running as we had a quick natter at the door. They’d fly out of their house, deciding that at that very moment, they needed to get their car out of their adjoining car port, which was blocked by my friend’s car. In my mind, the running engine indicated that this was a fleeting visit however, there was no request the car be moved, just a gruff demand. They said our children were nosing into their garden when they were on the trampoline when in fact, upon me questioning my children, they said they were having a quick look to see if the neighbour’s daughter’s dog was there, who was a frequent visitor and who my girls loved seeing.

Giving it some thought, I realised that when the previous owners of my house had moved – an elderly couple, my neighbours had probably wept when a family of five moved in. Confirmation bias meant that at any given opportunity, they would find situations that would prove them right– that we had noisy, troublesome children and that we didn’t think about their needs. So, from then on, I chose that in the spirit of peace and neighbourliness, every time family or friends visited, we would quickly run out of the house and point them to the correct parking spot, my children were advised not to look over next door’s fence when on the trampoline and I always asked after my neighbour’s elderly mother who had dementia, to demonstrate my compassion.

Playing ball

Why should I care? Because harmony and being sensitive to other people’s feelings is important to me. From their side of the beach ball, we were a family with three young children who were bound to cause more noise than an older couple. From our point of view, we felt we were watched and judged and couldn’t do anything right. For the sake of peace, we needed to co-exist and get on well. Which we did. We were never going to share BBQs but things were pleasant because I had looked at the part we played in the damaged relationship and changed the way I thought about it, thus my feelings and behaviour changed. This can only lead to a change in the dynamic and the neighbours recognised our habits had changed; thus, we had a different set of harmonious circumstances.

It’s always worth remembering that in any relationship that isn’t going well in your life, what part do you play? Are you looking at it from their side of the beach ball i.e. is their side yellow and green, whereas you think the whole ball is red and blue according to the side you’re holding. Have you attempted to comprehend their Mental Map – why their attitude is what it is because of their values, beliefs, experiences etc?

If you’ve tried to understand, have modified your thinking, feelings, behaviour and habits but yet there’s still a problem and it seems never-ending, that’s when you employ walkaway power. Similarly, maybe if you don’t value the relationship enough to want to put the effort in to fix the problem, you walk away but know that that is your choice. And if you feel you cannot walk away, you’ll need to change the way you think about the situation otherwise, you’ll continue to let it eat away at you which is not serving you well.

You can’t please all of the people all of the time

There are over seven billion people who live on this spinning orb, and we are never going to get on with everyone. We each hold our own beliefs and expectations as to how people should behave and unfortunately, not everyone is going to match this, hence the discord and angst. We are in charge of our own expectations of others and we cannot govern that they will act in accordance! However, making the effort to get around to the other side of the beach ball, trying to understand the Mental Maps of others, knowing who and what in life are lighthouses and managing our thinking, will mean we can avoid potential misunderstandings and disagreements, plus the angst and torment we put ourselves through.

Because remember, nobody can make us feel anything.

I’ll leave you with that pearl of wisdom, plus this wonderful image which for me, so brilliantly echoes the beach ball analogy.

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It can be challenging when attempting to understand yourself and your own thoughts, feelings and motives, let alone others'. Not having the ability to open your mindset to see things from another's point of view can hinder forming effective personal and professional relationships.

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