Why you lose out when making assumptions and criticising others

Never judge a book by its cover

Growing up, I was always told never to judge a book by its cover– to not make assumptions about people, to not listen to gossip but to get to know them and find out for myself. And certainly, to never share my thoughts about someone with anyone else – if it isn’t true, kind or necessary, don’t say it. It’s good advice.

In a previous life I worked for a travel company. They ran coach tours to various parts of the UK and my role was to greet the passengers at a motorway services where an interchange took place– the tour coaches turned into what we called feeder coaches – taking the passengers home. The coach drivers would swap the luggage to the appropriate coaches and I ensured everyone boarded the correct vehicle. It could get confusing, hence the need for my role.

The coach drivers were all different characters – some gruff and seemingly a curmudgeon, some plain rude, some talkative, some went above and beyond with their passengers, for some it was just a job and they stuck to their job description. Fair enough. I learnt very quickly to suss them out and communicate accordingly, so we could all rub along nicely and get the job done.

One driver was hard to work out – you could never quite judge his mood, so I gave him a wide berth until I’d worked out the best way to approach him that day. When in a good mood, ‘Trevor’ was chatty as they come but if in a quiet mood, the best thing was to give him the passenger information he needed, then leave him be. Quite a few drivers moaned about him with varying complaints – usually the same drivers who moaned about everything - some people love to have something to complain about, but I left them to it.

The difference one person can make

During one interchange, I noticed one of Trevor’s tour passengers- a young girl with the most beautiful smile, who seemed to have taken a shine to him. She followed him about and it looked like she was using sign language to say ‘smile’ to him. Trevor told me she was mute and that he’d been chatting to her via sign language; he’d taught her some new signs because she hadn’t been able to learn much so far. Her parents seemed deeply appreciative of his efforts. I was gobsmacked. To cut a long story short, Trevor had previously worked in a school for children with severe physical, emotional and learning difficulties. As a therapist, he worked with them to find what would bring them joy despite all their challenges. He knew sign language so used it to communicate and to make them smile and laugh.

I would never have guessed this about Trevor and I doubt any of those drivers did either. He loved his previous job but it also brought great sadness too because often, he said the youngsters left this mortal coil at too young an age. Sadly, funding was cut and the school was closed down. Trevor said he decided to find another job in a completely different field. You could see that caring side though, it came out in the way he spoke with the - predominantly elderly - passengers. I felt it a shame the fellow drivers he worked with didn’t make the time to get to know Trevor. Deep down, he was an amiable guy given half a chance.

Wise soul

The 16^th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln once said: “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

If we don’t like someone, don’t understand them or can’t seem to get along with them, surely that says more about us than the other person. If there’s a colleague we don’t get along with, a fellow parent, a neighbour… why don’t we like them? Is it because we haven’t taken the time to get to know them? Maybe they have a lot going on and just keep their head down to get through each day. If they seem unfriendly, does that mask their nervousness at talking with other people? Are we being judgemental? Or maybe we’ve been too busy listening to what others say about them, rather than to form our own opinion.

When we describe someone else to others, more often than not, we’re not giving facts, we’re more likely to be offering our opinion of them. We’re therefore saying much more about ourselves and our values. If we’re being derogatory – perhaps describing them as a ‘grumpy, flash with their cash, too chatty etc’ – the listener hasn’t found out anything factual about the person, but they will know that we judge others and don’t mind sharing those opinions. We’ll have given away a lot about ourselves, not the person we’re speaking about. If we were to describe someone as ‘successful', 'a generous soul', 'someone who thinks of others and who doesn’t talk about their good fortune’, then we’ve shown a different set of values.

The distinct and important difference

Being judgemental rather than making informed judgements is very different.

What do these statements mean:

• ‘Have you seen that awful tie he’s wearing?!’ It’s judgemental.
• ‘He’s got more money than sense!’ Jealousy rearing its ugly head.
• ‘If you think about it.’ You’d see my way of thinking.
• ‘What do you want to listen to that rubbish for?’ My taste in music is better than yours.
• ‘I wish you’d read something decent.’ Something proper, like what I’d read!
• ‘What an appalling accent’ I’m superior to them.

What emanates from us when we think or say these types of statements is that we are in fact elevating ourselves to bring others down. And as one previous Winning Edge course participant so wisely said: destructive criticism is a dishonest way of praising yourself. 100% it is.

Time for some honesty

Best of all is when we say: ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were them.’ But you see you would because if you were them, that’s exactly what you’d do! What we mean to say is: 'I wouldn’t do that.' Full stop.

It’s about being aware of your Mental Map and where it finishes. Being judgemental is about not knowing and understanding enough about another person. Your Mental Map is confined by your own experiences, beliefs, values, moral compass and so forth. Unless you are willing to extend the perimeters of your own Mental Map, your ability to understand others will be limited. And you won’t be doing yourself justice.

Make informed judgements – it makes for a happier workplace, home-life and also the wider context. It rids you of the negativity and instead you are enriched by learning more about others.

As author Richelle E. Goodrich said: “Walk with me for a while, my friend—you in my shoes, I in yours—and then let us talk.” 

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Do you know what your values are and how they inform the choices and decisions you make? Would you like to feel more anchored in life, rather than rudderless and drifting?

The Mindset Coaching Membership can help you understand the tools and strategies needed. With Masterclass Teachings + Coaching + Accountability, we will help you to create the future you want. Find out more here.

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