Why seeing change as negative, stops us embracing the positives

Happy holibobs?
The school term has finished for many and we're almost there for the rest. It’s summer holiday time! Carefree fun with no more morning deadline to get everyone out of the house with the yelling of: ‘Come onnn! We need to leave for school! Have you got your PE Kit? Put your suntan lotion on? Remember to hand your form in for the school trip…’ etcetera, etcetera. I realise I will still be working but at least I’m not herding cats to get us all out of the door at some unearthly hour of the day.

However, the feeling of positivity is not entirely running rife through my house…

I have one making the transition from primary school to secondary school. It’s a strange time for this age. Whilst they’ve been a big fish in a little pond and perhaps felt they’re starting to outgrow the place, they’re not exactly ready to move on – to be the little fish in the big pond.

Yes, there’s a certain level of excitement – new friends to make, a new place to explore, new subjects to learn and understand - there’s also mounting nerves… new friends to make, a new place to explore, new subjects to learn and understand. They’re doing their best to harness those fears but what’s important to understand for young people at this stage in their life, is that those thoughts and feelings are completely understandable and valid.
 
‘We’ve all been there’
Many children will take to the transition like a duck to water. Possibly they can’t wait to leave their primary school. Maybe they’ve a solid confidence and are not phased by change. There’ll be many children though for whom change is a challenge. Being out of their comfort zone can be an issue.

It’s easy to have an attitude of ‘we’ve all been there, you’ll be OK’ or ‘everyone’s in the same boat’ and ‘give it a few weeks and it’ll be like you’ve always been there!’. How do any of those trite sayings actually help though? Do we honestly believe if we trot these lines out, the young person in question who’s currently thinking like this: ‘I don’t know why I’m feeling anxious/can’t sleep/want to cry most of the time/can’t stop worrying about it/I’m sure I’m the only one who thinks like this/why I am being so pathetic about this…’ are they then likely to take on board what you’ve said and then think: ‘Telling me everyone goes through this is really very helpful. I’m fine now’. That change in thought processes is highly unlikely. They’re much more likely to stop sharing how they’re feeling - if indeed they did at all - and only their moods will be a clue as to what they’re thinking. Perhaps their frustration and anxiety will be displayed through quick eruptions of anger, shouting and disjointed arguments where what they say has no bearing on how they actually feel. It all gets in the way of the true understanding of what’s going on in their head.

What can we do to help?
Empathy. It’s about trying to understand what they’re thinking and feeling and to demonstrate you want to help. To spend time with them – go for a walk, a drive to the cinema that gives you time to chat and for them to open up, going out for an ice-cream, whatever it is that in their world, is something special and will help them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.

Because we all like to feel understood, that someone has our back, that they’re making the effort to understand our Mental Map – where we’re coming from and the reason we think the thoughts we do and feel the emotions we do.

Change gets a bad rep
Change very often has negative connotations – people are nervous and anxious about changing the status quo, so they’ve a habit of thinking about change negatively.

Is all change good? Not necessarily. Could there be some benefit to change though? Possibly. What are the chances of us seeing the benefits in change if we believe there isn’t any? It’s not very likely… We’re denied access to the benefits that change can offer if we have a habit of thinking it isn’t there – confirmation bias will make sure of that!

If we can understand there are benefits in change, we open our mind to the fantastic opportunities it can offer. By understanding this concept ourselves, we can then help young people to comprehend it to.

For there is no constant in life but change – a lesson I learnt at a very young age and one that has helped me be much more open to all that life can throw at us and offer us.

A valuable lesson for all.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”  C. JoyBell C.