Quoting a clever POTUS

Never judge a book by its cover
Growing up, I was always told never to judge a book by its cover – to not make assumptions about someone, to not listen to gossip but to get to know them and find out for myself. And certainly, to never share my thoughts with anyone else – if it isn’t true, kind or necessary, don’t say it. It’s good advice.

In a previous life I worked for a travel company. They ran coach tours to various parts of the UK and my role was to greet the passengers at a motorway services where an interchange took place – the tour coaches turned into what we called feeder coaches – taking the passengers home. The coach drivers would swap the luggage to the appropriate coaches and I ensured everyone boarded the correct vehicle. It could get confusing, hence the need for my role.

Coach drivers are all different characters – gruff, talkative, some went above and beyond with their passengers, for some it was just a job and they stuck to their job description. Fair enough. I learnt very quickly to suss them out and communicate accordingly, so we could all rub along nicely and get the job done.

One driver was hard to work out – you could never quite judge his mood, so I gave him a wide berth until I’d worked out the best way to approach him that day. When in a good mood, ‘Trevor’ was chatty as they come but if in a quiet mood, the best thing was to give him the passenger information he needed, then leave him be.

The difference one person can make
During one interchange, I noticed one of Trevor’s tour passengers - a young girl with the most beautiful smile - seemed to have taken a shine to him. She followed him about and it looked like she was using sign language to say ‘smile’ to him. Trevor told me she was mute and that he’d been chatting to her via sign language; he’d taught her some new signs because she hadn’t been able to learn much so far. Her parents hugged the driver and seemed deeply appreciative of his efforts. I was gobsmacked. To cut a long story short, Trevor had previously worked in a school for children with severe physical, emotional and learning difficulties. As a physiotherapist he worked with them to ease pain and he knew sign language so used it to communicate and to make them smile and laugh.

I never knew this about Trevor and I doubt any of those drivers did either. His previous job had brought joy to him but also great sadness too because often, he said they left this mortal coil at too young an age. Sadly, funding was cut and the school was closed down. Trevor said he decided to find another job in a completely different field. You could see that caring side though, it came out in the way he spoke with the - predominantly elderly - passengers. I felt it a shame the fellow drivers he worked with didn’t make the time to get to know Trevor.

Wise soul
The 16^th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln once said: “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

If we don’t like someone, don’t understand them or can’t seem to get along with them, surely that has a greater reflection on us, than it does that person. I’m not talking about disliking a mass murderer or someone of that ilk – clearly their values hugely mismatch our own; but if I’m talking about someone in the workplace, a fellow parent, a neighbour… why don’t we like them? Is it because we haven’t taken the time to know them? Are we being judgemental?  Or maybe we’ve been too busy listening to what others say about them rather than to form our own opinion.

When we describe someone else to others, more often than not, we’re not giving facts, we’re more likely to be offering our opinion of them. We’re therefore saying much more about ourselves and our values. If we’re being derogatory – perhaps describing them as a ‘show-off, flash with their cash, faux humble etc’ – the listener hasn’t actually found out anything about the person; they will know we judge others and don’t mind sharing those opinions. We’ll have given away a lot about ourselves, not the person we’re speaking about. If we were to describe someone as ‘successful, a generous soul, someone who thinks of others and who doesn’t tell others about their good fortune’ then we’ve shown a different set of values.

The distinct and important difference
Being judgemental rather than making informed judgements is very different.
What do these statements mean:

• ‘Have you seen that awful tie he’s wearing?!’ It’s judgemental.
• ‘He’s got more money than sense!’ Jealousy rearing its ugly head
• ‘If you think about it.’ You’d see my way of thinking.
• ‘What do you want to listen to that rubbish for?’ My taste in music is better than yours
• ‘I wish you’d read something decent.’ Something proper, like what I’d read!
• ‘What an appalling accent’ I’m superior to them

What emanates from us when we think or say these types of statements is that we are in fact elevating ourselves to bring others down.

Time for some honesty
Best of all, is when we say: ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you.’ But you see you would because if you were them, that’s exactly what you’d do! What we mean to say is: “I wouldn’t do that.” Full stop.

It’s about being aware of your Mental Map and where it finishes. Being judgemental is about not knowing and understanding enough about another person. Your Mental Map is confined by your own experiences, beliefs, values, moral compass and so forth. Unless you are willing to extend the perimeters of your own Mental Map, your ability to understand others will be limited. And you won’t be doing yourself justice.

Make informed judgements – it makes for a happier workplace, home life and also the wider context. It rids you of the negativity and instead you are enriched by learning more about others.

“Walk with me for a while, my friend—you in my shoes, I in yours—and then let us talk.” Richelle E. Goodrich