How to take control of the green-eyed monster

 There is much research about the effect that social media can seemingly have on our mood and I once read a very interesting article in The Guardian, about the role social media plays in envy being felt by those scrolling through various platforms and their response to what they see and read. Can envy be created around viewing posts about people’s seemingly perfect world, as usually portrayed on platforms such as Instagram and Facebook?

My issue with this is that I think sometimes, certain study results are extrapolated and used to mean something different to what the conclusions say. The studies might say there is a correlation, but not a causation, which is entirely different. For example, it could be that a study is looking at social media use amongst teenagers and whilst it be shown that they have depression, and that they use social media platforms, it could be that the use of social media means they feel more isolated. Or maybe that young people who already feel isolated, use social media more.

Another theory is that social media is bad for teenagers’ self-esteem. An example is Snapmaps, which is a way to see where your connections are; it does this by using a device's location information to locate users on a virtual map that is visible to other Snapchat users. The user has the option to choose who can see their location on the map- whether it be all their connections, selected friends or they can choose 'Ghost Mode’, which means no one can see where they are. The trouble with this is that young people can see where their friends are and if there is a social gathering that they haven’t been invited to, they might feel more than FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out); this kind of situation can mean someone might feel excluded- deliberately left out, which is not a great way to feel.

Who's the culprit?

Psychologists interviewed for the Guardian piece discussed the notion of social media envy – people feel envious about what they’re seeing online because they want the lifestyle that is being portrayed. They seek out Instagrammers who’ll give them tips on make-up application and hairstyle so that they can look different and perhaps feel better about themselves– the outside-in approach as opposed to the tried and tested inside-out method of ensuring that our happiness is created by ourselves, because it has to start from within. They follow celebrities on social media- the rich and famous who seem to have it all. As the Guardian writer said, envy existed for centuries and was written about by Greek philosophers. Thinking about thirty years ago, we might be envious of the neighbours because of their swanky new car or plush sofa but now, we have the option of 24-7 – knowing every man and his dog’s business- the kind of life they lead and what they have and so keeping up with The Jones’s has been ratcheted up several levels.

The question is, who is really creating these feelings of envy? The Instagrammer? The Facebook poster? Neither. We have a choice as to how much we access social media and we can choose the way we think about what we see, hear and read. We can also choose whether we are passive voyeuristic bystanders or whether we actively participate and contribute, which is far less likely to have an impact on the envy scale because we’re actually engaging with people.

The thing is, and as hard as this might be to digest, no one and nothing can make us feel anything- no one and nothing has that inherent power. It psychologically isn’t possible. It does not mean we won’t feel feelings of envy, upset, disappointment and frustration, but that is how we are responding in that given situation. If there was any inherent power, everyone would feel the same and the simple fact is, not everyone would.

Everything always starts with a thought – random emotions do not just pop into our head without first us becoming aware of something, i.e. a new post on Facebook, which we then process and we attach an emotion to that thought, depending on our own individual Mental Map and our unique value chain. What we make something mean to us is according to how we choose to interpret it- it’s an inside job. When we comprehend that no one and nothing has any inherent power to make us feel anything, it is an incredibly empowering and liberating feeling.

As Theodore Roosevelt said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Which is why it is so important that we do not allow our thoughts to turn to envy when we see posts on Facebook – or Farcebook as I like to call it because let’s face it, for a large proportion of it, people are only posting their highlights. There are very few people who will detail what a rubbish day they’ve had, that they’re finances are in dire straits, maybe that they’re not happy in their relationship, or their job is mundane, or perhaps that their relationship with their kids is pretty dire. No, what we’ll see instead are some heavily filtered snaps en famille on holiday, with everyone smiling and laughing- we don’t know about the twenty snaps not used, whilst everyone bickered, or that the kids were bribed with an ice-cream or money for the amusements if they smile for just one photo. Not speaking from experience- obvs!

Never say never

Now, there’s an important distinction to make here, it’s not that I’m saying once you know that nothing and no one can make you feel anything, that you’ll now skip happily into the sunset and never ever feel envious, upset, annoyed, frustrated or angry again- it’s knowing people can’t do it to you, and nor can social media. These feelings can be great motivators when used to create positive change. Envy might be a prod that you want to change something about your life. Perhaps someone else’s perceived success is a time of reflection and then action for you.

So, what do you do? I’ll bang that drum again– mindset. The way you think about what you think about is far more important than what you think about. If you’re using social media as a way of connecting to family and friends, be aware that the nature of the beast is that it’s the highlights rather than the lowlights which are usually posted.  If your connections have good news, great, celebrate. If you find yourself feeling envious, think about why that is. In these instances, I always find it helpful to ask myself ‘Oh that’s interesting Kirsty, why do you think you’re feeling like this?’ Introspection is a gift for us humans, so use it. Perhaps you’re feeling envious because there’s something lacking in your life? Maybe it’s a bit of a wake-up call… Are you on the treadmill working at the same company for 20 years, no perks, same thing day in day out and maybe your friend’s new job role will spur you on to make a long overdue change. Do your cousin’s holiday snaps lead you to think that perhaps that familiar resort you love so much and return to every year, may just have served its time… Perhaps somewhere different will bring new enriching experiences…

Social media isn’t all bad. In fact, none of it is bad – it’s only as good or bad as you decide it is. Decide to be conscious about the way you’re thinking about social media. You can take it or leave it and when you do engage with it, the way you respond to what you see, hear and read is entirely of your choosing.

“A person is limited only by the thoughts that they choose.” James Allen

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