Feeling emotionally drained on a daily basis? Understanding your emotional pie will help.

Mindset reset

I recently joined a Winning Edge event – it’s great to get a booster shot of this mindset stuff because even when you are aware of how you can manage your thinking to help you to take control of your life, well, life happens doesn’t it and sometimes you can get thrown off kilter. A refresher on the tools and strategies to get yourself back on track is a powerful reminder that you are in charge of your thinking, and thus your emotions and actions.

So many attendees of The Winning Edge course say that it meets you where you are at, so each time you attend, you take something different away, something which resonates with you at that particular moment in time and you can have a different perspective on how to look at things.

On the course I attended, the Facilitator talked about the emotional pie – a new concept to me, but which so brilliantly described our emotional capacity and how ultimately, we have the choice as to how much emotion we donate to people and situations.

My interpretation of the concept is this – unless you have a major event going on in your life such as a serious illness – for yourself or a loved one, bereavement etc, and, you’ve had a relatively good night’s sleep, each day, you will wake with a freshly baked emotional pie. As the day goes on, you get to decide how your slices are given away. So, for example, your journey to work is peppered with hold-ups, perhaps less than cheerful people and you may be arrive late at work. How much angst, anger and stress you decide to donate to this, will determine how much emotional pie is given away. Maybe then you receive an email from someone, and you interpret this email as not very helpful, or perhaps feel the tone is not necessary, and so you spend a couple of hours winding yourself up about the meaning behind the email – more emotional pie. Perhaps you work through your lunch hour due to a big project and feel this is unfair – more emotional pie. Then the journey home involves drivers who don’t drive like you think they should, or maybe a delayed train or bus. More emotional pie because you feel tired, and quite frankly peed orf that it feels like this every single day.

You arrive home, and the parking space outside your house has been taken, or someone left the bins in the way in your drive, it’s raining, and you get soaked moving them and you’re frustrated and irritated; that’s the last slice of the emotional pie gone.

In through the front door you go, where the ones you love most in this world live, and already you feel drained, with nothing left to give. You walk into the kitchen, and someone has left their coffee cup and plate in the sink, instead of in the dishwasher and there it is, the last straw and you blow your top. No emotional pie left to deal with something which you find irksome. The wrath tumbles out and disproportionately so. It is in these situations that we would do well to remind ourselves of what Aristotle once said:

“Anybody can become angry- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way- that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

To be response-able

The Choice Model is one of the foundations of the Winning Edge course and helps us to understand why it’s so important to understand the power our thoughts have on producing our emotions and thus our response to people and situations. By thinking consciously about the nature of our thinking, we can understand we can be much more in control of the responses we give- rather than to react, we can be response-able.

This is the Masterclass teaching in Level Three of the Mindset Coaching Membership and we explore the finer detail of the Choice Model – very often a lightbulb moment for many. It’s liberating and empowering to know we are in control – that nothing and nobody can make us feel anything, the choice is down to us.

When making a choice, our brain will run through five choice drivers – our Imagination, Conscience, Beliefs – which include the beliefs we hold about ourselves which can very often be self-limiting, Values and Awareness, including our self-awareness. These choice drivers will influence the way we feel about the situation we face and the decisions we make. If we’re not consciously aware of this, very often we can make habitual default responses.

And sometimes, it’s about creating space before we respond – which we call to MUMMS something – to Make Up My Mind Slowly; this enables you to feel calmer and to think things through with a quieter brain.

By creating that space when we MUMMS something, we can decide how we want to respond to a person or situation, and thus we can be a lot calmer and have clarity. As the writer Ambrose Pierce once said:

“Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

By consciously working through your choice drivers and asking yourself: ‘How do I want to think and feel about this?’, you can choose how you respond to a situation – you have the choice to either fan the flames or to enact your inner sprinkler system to calm those busy and less than productive thoughts. There are undeniably times when you will react rather than respond, but it’s knowing that no one can make you feel anything – it is within your control, if you are consciously aware of the nature of your thoughts.
 

Recipe for success

Now, there’s an important distinction to make here, it’s not that I’m saying you should never get upset, annoyed, frustrated or angry. It’s knowing people can’t do it to you. Anger can be a very motivating emotion. You might choose to get angry; you might choose to get annoyed. Choosing to be frustrated or annoyed about something because it goes against your values or conscience is sometimes the right response. Sometimes, there are occasions when showing someone you are upset and angry is a catalyst for positive change, but it’s knowing you do that to yourself. Unfortunately, there are far too many situations when someone doesn’t think before they react and things can escalate, rather than be calmly understood or resolved.

So, with your emotional pie, by consciously choosing how you want to think and feel about a person’s actions, or a situation, you can choose whether the slices stay with you, or get given away.

Imagine after a particularly busy day at work, you get home feeling completely frazzled, only crumbs left of your pie, and your teenager is upset and comes to you (isn’t it always about 11 at night??!), wanting to tell you all about a problem, needing a listening ear, or maybe your wisdom to help them with a challenge. If you’ve just crumbs left, how can you effectively help them?

However, if maybe you’ve been working hard on being consciously aware throughout the day as to how you manage your thoughts and feelings, you perhaps have some emotional pie left and can help those who call upon you. Perhaps with some pie to spare, you choose to call a friend in need – you have the emotional capacity to help them through a challenging time – thus donating some pie for the good of another.

Gone pie

It’s sometimes the case that we’re in a relationship, or friendship, or perhaps work for or with someone and we give them the knife and they take as much emotional pie as they want. They take take take from the relationship, and we allow this to happen, albeit it unconsciously. Perhaps you have a friend who leans on you but never checks in and asks how you are. Of course, there are times when we know someone who’s going through a particularly challenging time and we’re there for them to hold their hand, to listen and support, but it’s when you begin to feel you’re being taken for granted. Maybe you’re in a co-dependent relationship – a complicated dynamic. Or maybe in a work situation, you are feeling bullied. Yes, these kinds of relationships can be very complex but crucially, we get to choose the part we play and when you understand that you can be the one in control of your thoughts and thus feelings, by understanding that the relationship isn’t serving you well, you can change the dynamic. Not always easy, but possible. By thinking about how you think and feel about yourself in these kinds of relationships, you are better able to guard your emotional pie, thus managing your responses.

There are different versions of how the emotional pie is discussed, and you may also have heard of the stress bucket of water. The Winning Edge version talks about the thoughts behind those emotions – an important component of the equation.

We all have our own emotional capacity according to what’s going on in our lives; sometimes we feel better equipped to deal with the curve balls; sometimes it can feel like the smallest of things can tip us over the edge however, we do get to choose – as challenging as that might feel sometimes. It’s choosing one thought over another – which intellectually sounds simple but emotionally – putting this into practice, it can feel far from easy sometimes.

It’s vital to manage your own emotional capacity – to recognise when the stress levels are meaning slices of your emotional pie are being given away left, right and centre. Guard your pie, hold the knife and you choose who and what gets a slice.

My new mantra when I feel myself getting het up: ‘Emotional pie Kirsty, guard your emotional pie.’ Maybe give it a try yourself – it puts you in the driving seat and is incredibly empowering to know that the control lies with you.

  .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

Do you find it challenging to feel in charge of your emotions? Does stress play a large part in your life?

The Mindset Coaching Membership can help you understand the tools and strategies needed to be the best version of you. With Masterclass Teachings + Coaching + Accountability, we will help you to create the future you want. Find out more here. 

Follow us on Facebook 

Follow us on LinkedIn 

Follow us on Instagram